I'd like to buy a shotgun

I haven't written to you for a long time. I have since graduated from my new school. I have a job that gives me half a year of vacation at a time, with excellent pay. The shame of my personal failures have driven to this point at a very young age. The shame and depression that I feel everyday seems to drive me towards being a better person.

Good, right? Nah. I'm writing this at 2am. On a cold porch. I havnt accomplished anything of note. I havnt loved truly, i've only felt pain deeper than I thought possible. Folks go through life, happy and content....while some of us seem destined to soak up the wretchedness left behind.
I tell my friends that I'd like to buy a shotgun to go duck hunting. I'm terrified to buy one because I know I'll only use it to kill myself. It doesn't matter if you update this site or if you'll even read this. It only matters that my thoughts are out there.