I am a horrible big brother

My little brother, Bjorn, who is a year younger than I has dependent personality disorder. He is clingy to me and only me. He has to sleep in my bed with me, he cannot be without me for more than a school day or else he will freak. He and I have always been close, best friends. But, I wish for him to go away.

It's not because I don't enjoy him being so dependent on me. I enjoy that very much. I love my Bjorn and I am starting to think it isn't brotherly love. I want him to go away because, every time I see him, these unbrotherly thoughts come into my head and I wind up feeling gross and guilty. If he were to go away, maybe I wouldnt have these thoughts and feelings anymore.
I love to watch him sleep. He is so pretty. I love when we are in a crowded place he holds my hand or arm. I really love it when he hugs me. I have never had a crush on a boy before. Just somehow my baby brother is different. He is just so perfect and wonderful.

But, I am so horrible! It's gross and wrong. I always cringe when he calls me 'brother'. He refuses to call me by my name which makes these thoughts of mine even worst. I am so very selfish for wanting him to be with me and only me. He deserves a wife and children. Once, I begged my brother to let me bathe him and he finally let me. I just wanted to touch him once and I have been feeling guilty about that ever since. I am a horrible big brother. I really enjoy those thoughts of him. How disgusting. I just hope my baby brother never figures it out. I am certain he would hate me.

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