A story in progress that I cannot tell

I was going to start a web blog to keep track of this new adventure I am embarking on. After thinking about just how much work would go in to building a web site and maintain it, I realized that there is no way I have the time to do all that.

So I am going to tell my story here. The story I can't really tell anyone. Not a confession, only because I haven't done anything wrong. Yet.

I have been married for nine and a half years and have three children. Our marriage started out fine then gradually got worse when my husband decided to join the Army after what happened on 9/11. My husband was personal friends with three people that died in tower collapses. Needless to say, he was deeply affected by the attacks and felt the need to enlist.

I supported him at first but now realize that he is over in Iraq, fighting a war with people who he has no quarrel with. He is over there risking getting killed, all because Bush wanted more oil control. I could go on, but this is not about my husband, the Army or Bush.
This story is about how I am in the process of having sexual reassignment surgery. I've always thought myself as a man, although marriage and children were something that I had to do at the time.(Religious family, unwanted pregnancy, abortion not an option) I guess you can say that I am a living contradiction.

Before I was married I had often thought about getting a sex change. As a child I was always playing with other boys and never with the girls. Most of my friends were boys, I can count on one hand the number of girlfriends I had growing up. I was dressed like a boy as a infant and small child and when I start dressing myself, I found that I felt most confortable in male clothing.

As the years passed I became more and more unhappy with my sexuality. Then I met my husband and for a year I found myself very confused. I ended up getting pregnant and then the marriage happened and then more kids.

Now that he has been gone for such a long time, I have had the time to do some serious soul-searching. While he is off trying to save the world, I am here with our kids trying to save myself.

I realize that I am still a boy trapped in a girls body.

I am researching how I can get the operation done. I am trying to figure out how to get it done before he gets home. I figure he won't be able to talk me out of it. He'll have to either accept the new me, or leave me. I would love it if he could understand but I don't think he will. The kids will be confused but I know they will love their Mother no matter what gender I am. It's what's inside that counts right?

So there it is. I am going to get this operation done. I will post more of my story as it unfolds. I welcome all comments both good and bad.

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