Most days I wished he was dead. Then he died.

I watched a Law and Order show last night that was about a mother that killed her son because he was a menace to society. I couldn't stop crying because of some bad memories that it stirred up. Memories that I had repressed and put away. I haven't thought about it in at least year now and all of a sudden, this episode brought me back five years.
Five years ago my son died after getting hit by a drunk driver. He was twenty-one. What the papers weren't told was that he was on a downhill spiral for the five years prior to his death. It started when he started getting involved with the wrong crowd. He had gotten at least two women pregnant and had dropped out of school, lost his decent job and was going no where fast. He had started doing meth, drinking, partying and staying out for nights on end. His health suffered as did his relationship with me and his father. The law had also been involved in our lives. He had become abusive both physically and verbally to us as well as one of his girlfriends. The drugs were rotting his teeth out and the last time we had seen him, he looked just like the junkies you'd see on tv. His teeth were all black, his eyes sunken into his head and bones sticking out of his clothes. We new his was sick and tried numerous times to get him help. We even tried an intervention but he attacked his father and pepper sprayed his cousin who tried to restrain him. He was in a bad state.

I often found myself wishing death upon him. I wished him a quick and painless death. I laid in bed some nights imagining what i'd say when the phone rang and I was told that he hed been found dead. I often thought about how better our lives would be, how better he would be if he passed away.

Then I got the phone call. It was about three am. The Sheriff was on the phone, telling me that he had been hit by car driven by a drunk dentist on his way home from a Christmas party. I cried and cried and at one point I had to be medicated by our family doctor. I feel so much guilt for having those thoughts. I felt responsible. My guilt was made worse when we were paid out from the insurance. I felt like I was spending blood money.
I've never told that story before. After watching that show I felt the need to get it off my chest after all this time. I am too ashamed to even hint at my husband that I had those feelings. Telling you today makes me feel better already.


Name kept secret
Location kept secret